After reading about the recent Pew Forum poll that showed one in five Americans believing that President Barack Obama was a Muslim, I tracked down my friend, Hackerpalli Desirao, to help me conduct my own poll of American beliefs. With a few quick keystrokes on his iPhone, Desirao hacked into Pew's database server and got me the telephone numbers of everyone who was polled. In what can only be called an unscientific re-poll of the 3003 respondents to the Pew poll, I found out that my fellow Americans held several other astounding beliefs. Here are the top ten:
- Every 100th American believes that 75 million years ago, Xenu, the dictator of the "Galactic Confederacy" unleashed billions of thetan souls on Earth, to infect every human being who refused to pay $6500 to the Church of Scientology to learn about this secret.
- One out of fifty Americans believes that Jesus visited Bountiful, Utah: "And it came to pass, as they [the people of Nephi in the land Bountiful] understood they cast their eyes up again towards heaven; and behold, they saw a Man descending out of heaven; and he was clothed in a white robe; and he came down and stood in the midst of them; and the eyes of the whole multitude were turned upon him... Behold, I am Jesus Christ..."
- Eight to eleven percent of Americans believe that Elvis is still alive, and the body buried in Graceland is nothing but a wax replica of the King.
- One out of every five Americans believes that the sun spins around the earth, and may also believe that earth is flat. As the late Charles K. Johnson, former President of the International Flat Earth Research Society, put it, "Wherever you find people with a great reservoir of common sense, they don't believe idiotic things such as the earth spinning around the sun. Reasonable, intelligent people have always recognized that the earth is flat."
- 34 percent of the respondents say they believe in ghosts. '"It was bad enough when the TV and lights inexplicably flicked on at night", says Misty Conrad, a homemaker from Hampton, Va.. When her daughter began talking to an unseen girl named Nicole and neighbors said children had been murdered in the house, it was time to move.'
- Thirty-six percent of respondents overall said it was "very likely" or "somewhat likely" that federal officials either participated in the 9/11 attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon, or took no action to stop them "because they wanted the United States to go to war in the Middle East."
- Every other American believes that "God created human beings pretty much in their present form at one time within the last 10,000 years or so." As the Genesis says, "And out of the ground the LORD God formed every beast of the field, and every fowl of the air ... And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof ... And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man."
- A majority (55%) believe in the imminence of "the Rapture", which is literally a celestial wedding of the bride, the "body of believers" and the Groom, Jesus Christ. This wedding celebration will take place in mid-air and will last for 7 days, which could be equivalent to 7 earthly years.
- Nearly 2 out of 3 Americans believe that Mary miraculously conceived Jesus while remaining a virgin. A significant fraction of these may also believe that Mary herself was conceived without "the stain of original sin", or to put it more colorfully, with no f#%@ing whatsoever!
- 100% of those I polled believe that Ann Dunham, President Obama's mother, actually gave birth to twins on August 4, 1961. She delivered first Malcom Malik El-Shabazz, a love-child of Malcom X in Seattle, WA. Immediately after delivering the first baby, Ann was transported in a secret Soviet Sputnik to Nairobi, Kenya, where she delivered Barack Hussein Obama, a parthenogenetic child of Barack Obama Sr.
Now, if the last one blew your mind, you are not alone. Really, Barack Obama has a twin brother? Which one is occupying the White House? It was Barack Hussein Obama who took the presidential oath, wasn't it? Then, who took the oath the second time, eh? Hm, the plot thickens!